the dark night of the soul, in love.
This past weekend I met my mom and sister for lunch - it was lovely! Naturally the topic of dating came up, as I have been single for about 4.5 years now, swimming around in the dating pool searching for love (if you’ve ever heard the saying “there’s definitely pee in the dating pool” based on my experience, I would have to agree!! lol, but, I digress…), and my sister asked me a very interesting question. She asked if I’ve ever had a good experience come from a dating app.
This made me pause… “good” I asked, “what do you mean by ‘good’??” (and yes, even this was funny - I could write a whole book on my dating experiences over the years).
And she answered “you know, one that leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy - like you met someone and it was good.”
I had to stop and think about this, and after running through a list of memories that included my prince charming turning into an abusive partner, ‘the boob grabber’, and a whole slew of incredibly unimpressive conversations, my answer was no, I haven’t. In 4.5 years, I don’t have one warm and fuzzy memory or story about dating. Sad.
But is it?
As the conversation went on I spoke of what I’ve learned from my time dating, and who I’ve become …and THAT was warm and fuzzy!
When I started my dating journey I was a people pleaser, and although I would have told you I knew myself, I didn’t know myself even close to as well as I know myself now. I had trouble saying no to people, I had trouble being honest about my needs and desires in a relationship, I had trouble letting people go - I was a perpetual “fixer” and “seer of the potential” of people (good qualities but only when paired with boundaries and discernment!); I was a recipe for a disaster in a relationship, which my relationship history shows. I stayed too long with the wrong people, I kept dating people who weren’t matches for me just because “it was good enough, and who was I to ask for more?” and all sorts of other shit.
When I finally realized that if I wanted a different kind of partnership that I had to do something differently (it’s a novel concept really, that if we want something different in our lives, we must begin to do something differently), I dug in full force. I took courses (if you haven’t checked out the work of Mark Groves, I would highly recommend doing so!), and I practiced practiced practiced. In fact, that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 4.5 years - practicing. I’ve been practicing the art of discernment, I’ve been practicing showing up incredibly authentically and not being afraid to show who I really am (even in the face of potentially being “rejected” which I now see more so as ‘re-direction’), I’ve been practicing asking for my needs to be met, and then being ok with the outcome, and a whole host of other things. It’s been nothing short of incredible.
And I’ve changed. How I feel about myself is the warm and fuzzy…what a GIFT!
So although in my 4.5 years of dating I haven’t found the partner I’m looking for (which could seem like a drag, and trust me it has it’s moments), there have been two other beautiful things that have come from it:
I have learned a TON about myself, and through the process have healed attachment wounds, stopped people pleasing, and began to truly love myself.
I have successfully avoided the “wrong ones”, which I very well may have dated and stayed with previously, as I saw the “potential” they/we had. (I think I’ve probably saved myself a ton of grief! lol)
So when I look back at being single for 4.5 years, I could feel like a failure (and sometimes I do, and then I give myself a bit of time to process that feeling, work through anything that may be being brought up for healing through that feeling, and move along…we are all human after all), but if I take a look at what’s actually going on, it looks a bit more to me like a dark night of the soul, in love.
If you’re not familiar with what a dark night of the soul is, it’s often described as a period of transformation and awakening; a confinement to the dark, so that we may go within and cultivate our own inner light. And that’s exactly what this has been for me….
For those that know me, you know I’m not a big fan of “mindset work”. The way most people are doing it/teaching it actually fits more so into the category of mind fucking ourselves (you know, you hate the job/boss/partner/relationship/way you’re being treated etc and yet you tell yourself you’re “fine” and force yourself to find 5 things you’re grateful about, instead of changing the damned situation). But what I outlined above is a genuine shift in the way I’m thinking about something, and that genuine shift creates a much healthier and productive way for me to be with my experience; also, it’s useful as hell - it levels me up in the game! And mindset shifts, learning about yourself, and practicing things you want to get better at can do the same for YOU! :)
Is there something in your life that is calling for a shift in perspective?
Is there an aloneness you fear settling into?
Are you a people pleaser, and does this land you in situations you’d rather not be in?
Is there something you can take/learn/heal/grow from to create yourself a better experience in life?
reflection is a superpower friend, it’s worth spending time on - and so are YOU!