decision making..
What kind of a decision maker are you? Do you make decisions based on logic, employing pro’s and con’s lists and pragmatism? Or do you canvas all your family friends looking for someone to validate what you want to be the “right” answer? Or do you rely on your heart and take “leaps of faith” only to have them not always work out the way you had hoped…? I’ve personally tried these all of these methods many times over, and none of them has ever worked reliably, which begs the question: if these don’t reliably work to our benefit, what is the right way to make a decision?!
I don’t actually think there is such thing as a right decision… only a right decision for us, at the right time… otherwise known as “inner alignment with the present moment”.. hear me out.
So often we are downright plagued by what to do when we have a decision to make, especially if it’s an important one. We toil with it in our minds and hearts, we are up between 1-3 am thinking deeply about what to do (I know you know what I’m talking about here), followed by considering all the terrible things that might/can/will happen if we make said decision and it’s the “wrong” one; we ask our friends, our families, our therapists, our higher power, our decks of cards, all the things, and still, we are confused!
Here is what I have learned; there actually is no “right” or “wrong” decision .. there is only a choice between two different experiences, one of them usually being a decision that is more so in alignment for us at the time (although yes, sometimes a harder one). Let’s play with this thought for a second and flesh out some examples. (Though now might also be a great time to grab your journal and a pen, and do some reflecting)
You begin to notice the first signs of a cold… is the “right” decision to rest? Or is the right decision to push through? I myself have done both, and I must say I enjoy the experience of resting, much more than I enjoy the experience of pushing through….so I choose to rest. But is it “right”? Who’s to say? Perhaps one day I will feel the first whispers of a cold and check in (we’re going to learn this in a minute, so stick with me!), and the answer will be “go ahead and do what you need to do” and I will then do what I need to do and not get sick. Or maybe I will do what I need to do and get sick, and be in bed for 4 days instead of the 2 I may have been in bed had I listened originally, and it will teach me not to do that again.. and so on and so on.
So which decision is right? To rest, or not?
And, which one is in alignment with the present moment…? Thats what the check in teaches us! (us humans like to "blanket approach” ever.y.freaking.thing. “I will ALWAYS rest when I’m sick” yeah right, who can do that?! “I will NEVER raise my voice again” umm… ok! Also, sometimes you NEED to raise your voice! Sometimes, yelling is the exact healthiest thing to do in a situation….You get what I’m saying right? The same thing isn’t right in every circumstance, and we must learn the art of the check in, to help us discern what is the best choice for us in that particular moment!)
Another example:
There’s something on your mind. Recently, your boss (you could easily replace this with friend, partner, child, parent, or anyone really) has said something that really rubbed you in a bad way. At the time you didn’t say anything because you hate confrontation and didn’t know what to say, but it’s now eating away at you and you don’t know what to do. Two choices, two different experiences, how do you choose?
Say something to them about it: which admittedly might require courage, and may require you to feel uncomfortable, but may in fact feel great afterwards, and certainly is better for your physical health
Say nothing to them about it and carry on: no courage or confrontation required
Depending what you believe (religion can play a big role in what you choose here. For example, being taught to “turn the other cheek”, and so will upbringing eg. “be the bigger person”), you will likely spend time mulling this over and then decide which is the “right” thing to do. But let me ask, is either one of these wholly wrong, or wholly right? Is it not the best idea to say something in certain situations, and not in others? How confusing is that?! And furthermore, judging something as right or wrong brings with it so much pressure. Inevitably then if you do the “wrong” thing, you will regret it for so long. So how can you ever actually confidently choose?
You use the check in….
Let’s explore one more example:
Mary has lived in the same house for 18 years and what feels like suddenly, things have started to change. She’s gone from loving it, to feeling… empty about it. She loves her home, but the neighbours have all changed and she doesn’t feel quite as part of the community as she once did. Also, the friends that she's had in the area have mostly all up and moved away to new places - moved to be closer to their grandkids, moved to be somewhere with a warmer climate, and some have passed on…at the end of the day, something feels like it’s missing, but she also loves it and is comfortable there because she’s called it home for so long.
Now, Mary has two choices on her mind.. “should I stay or should I go now” (I hope you sang that while reading it!!)
Should she stay in the home she’s known for 18 years and where she is comfortable, if not fulfilled?
Or should she start looking for a new home, and jump into the unknown?
I actually don’t feel that either one of these would be wrong (I’m not a big fan of judging “right” and “wrong” other than for fundamental issues such as human rights, safety, etc), but I do see how she has two completely different experiences on her plate. And how then, does Mary choose?
You check in.
I used to be so confused about what was intuition, what was intellect, and what was instinct - it was terrible! (I’ll give you a hint… the check in uses intuition, and it never leads you astray - the trick is to figure out how to access your intuition at will, and differentiate between it, and the other two) It was like all three of these skills were on display as salad dressings at a buffet, and I would always choose the wrong one. (some salad dressings are incredibly bad when paired with the wrong salad!)
For awhile, I couldn’t actually even make a distinction between each of them. Sure they’re all salad dressings that you can use, but if you choose the wrong one, it can ruin the whole dish!! (Think about the last time you had a salad with a bad dressing…ew)
These three were so confusing for me that at one point, I remember having the strongest feeling that if I accepted an invite to a certain event, something terrible was going to happen (please note, this is different than anxiety which tells you something terrible is going to happen all the time, so if you suffer from anxiety this can be doubly hard to make a distinction about, and the anxiety needs to be tackled first) and instead of listening to myself and my own knowing, I canvased all my friends and family explaining all the information I had and my own thoughts an feelings in great detail, HOPING that I had gathered enough “evidence” to give me the confidence to say no. You feel me? I know I’m not the only one who has ever done this. It was terrible. It was an absolutely horrible way for me to be making decisions, but I did that for years. And the way my life was going was a direct result of that. I was stressed out, in an abusive relationship, couldn’t make a career work, financially strapped, worried what other people thought of me, and I … lacked vibrancy let’s say. I was certainly surviving, but definitely not thriving.
Enter the check in
I realized the only way for me to truly live my own life, in a healthy way, was for me to start listening to myself. But how do you do that when there are so many voices and noises and expectations and judgments and opinions? You get quiet, and still.
“The quieter you get, the more you will hear” Rumi
The check in is a way to discern which place in us (because we are incredibly multi faceted beings), feels, and is sensing, what, so that you can make a conscious decision about what to listen to, when. It’s incredibly important to get to know the check in and continue to practice it to mastery, for so many reasons - but the biggest one is this:
IT WILL NEVER LEAD YOU ASTRAY. Never.
It’s not like trauma, emotions, and the opinions of others, (all of which can definitely lead us astray) it’s a pure place in us that’s wise, loving, and courageous. It is our intuition.
Intuition is something we are all born with, but that is socialized out of most of us. It is the more often than not a quiet, still, and deep voice within us that gently lets us know we should no longer be with this partner, or this job, or this friend, the voice that whispers to us that there is more to life than what we are currently experiencing, that we in fact absolutely should book the trip or the class or the hair cut we’ve been thinking about. It’s the voice that gently let’s us know that the next glass of wine or drug or even medicine is not actually good for us, that we do not actually want the chocolate bar we just bought and are about to eat, and no thank you, I don’t actually like being treated the way I just was.
This is the most beautiful place to make decision from, for so many reasons, the biggest of which is that, as I mentioned, it never leads you astray. If you decide to say, stand up for yourself to someone who isn’t treating you well and a break in the relationship happens as a result of it, you can rest assured that break was perfect and necessary - even if uncomfortable.
The check in doesn’t always lead us to the easiest thing, but it most definitely leads us to the healthiest thing for us, in that moment.
Yet more often than not we either don’t listen to this part of us, or have forgotten we even have it, and instead we lean on intellect; the pro’s and con’s, the lists, the spinning thoughts. But allow me to ask you this: have you not almost always been able to effectively argue both for and against something?? Has this method ever helped any of us, or does it just make it more confusing? I can actually hear myself in my mind going over said list with a friend in the past, getting her input, and then saying “you’re right. Ok, that’s what I’ll do” sigh… friend, let me tell you with the most love and compassion, this is a terrible way to make a decision. You know why?
Because nobody knows better than you, what is best for you.
And let me assure you, your intellect isn’t going to figure that our for you because at it’s core, our intellect is things we’ve learned. It is, in fact, the knowledge and opinions of others.
My favoured method of utilizing in intellect is to use my intuition to make the decision, and then using my intellect to figure out how to carry that out.
For instance, if I check in and my intuition says “yes, tonight is a great night to have a bowl of salt and vinegar chips”, then I use my intellect to figure out how to make that happen (do I need to go to the grocery store? Or the cupboard? etc. and yes, this is a real life example! lol)
And another:
If I check in and my intuition says “yes, it’s time I say something to Aunt Peggy about her incessant comments regarding my martial status” (still single), then my intellect gets to decide how to make that happen. Do I want to call her? Write a letter? Say something to her quietly (or loudly) at the next family gathering? Ask her for lunch so we can talk? And so on.
Are you with me? Isn’t it both exciting and scary to think about the freedom this gives us?! To actually do what is right for us, not everyone else, even when it’s hard… because sometimes check in’s don’t give us the easiest answers, they give us the healthiest*** answers.
***healthiest for us, in all facets of our human make up: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual
And they always give us the truth. (isn’t there a saying, “the truth shall set you free…”?)
Lastly, instinct deserves a spot at this table too. Instinct is a gut feeling informing us in regards to our safety. Unlike intuition, which is quiet, instinct is usually louder, and much more emphatic : “do not get in that car with that person!! It’s not safe!” or “don’t walk down that alley, something dangerous awaits!” or “don’t attempt that drive to grammas tonight!” Or “do NOT be alone with this person (or leave your child alone with this person), etc.
Instinct is a brilliant mechanism by which our physical body (including our brain, which is different than our mind) alerts us to potential danger, and thereby is lifesaving. This warning system should always be listened to, however can be affected by trauma. (If this is the case, then attention needs to be given in processing and releasing trauma to restore proper functioning here)
At this time, I would like to invite you to begin to practice making distinctions between your intuition, your intellect, and your instincts… They are all important facets of us, and have a valid place in our experience here. Learning to check in, use your intuition, and figure out what place within you is making you feel what before you make a decision about something, only serves to create a beautiful flow to your experiences here on earth. I always imagine intuition as the magical golden lighting of the healthiest path for us … illuminating the best, most direct, joy filled, vibrant and fulfilling path to a life that is truly lives for us not for everybody else.
How do you feel about intuition, intellect and instinct?
Are you able to differentiate between the three?
Reflect on an example of each, from your own life. Can you recall a time when you felt intuition? A time when you felt intellect? And a time when you felt instinct?
What did each of these times feel like in your body? How did you know which was which?
Can you begin to flesh out certain qualities of each? For instance, can you tell where intuition resides in your body as opposed to intellect? And out of the three, which is loudest, or quietest?
What are some examples of times where you have listened to each? How did they turn out?
Is there something that stands in your way of listening to your intuition? What is it, and what can be done about it?
How might your experiences change in life, if you began tuning in and listening to your deepest self, instead of everyone else…?
p.s. if you like these journalling prompts, more can be found in my course ‘5 minute journalling for self reflection’ course found here, and also each module in my course ‘Holistic Self Care 101’ has journalling prompts for self reflection too! Journalling is one of my very favourite methods to engage in both personal growth and a spiritual practice!