being selfish
I recently ran into a friend unexpectedly and stopped to chat for a minute. As we sat on a bench sharing some updates about our lives, she told me about a change she was making for herself. This change sounded like it was nothing but healthy - she had decided to change something so that she could get home a bit earlier, so that she could go to bed at a time that felt healthier to her.
She was telling me about this change, and then quickly followed it up with “but I feel so selfish.” and this reminded me of about a thousand other women I know who try to make changes and set boundaries in their life, only to end up feeling (and sometimes even being told) that they’re selfish. It got me thinking… (realistically, what doesn’t??!! haha!) What does “selfish” actually mean?
Oxford Dictionary defines selfish as “(of a person, action or motive) lacking consideration of others; chiefly concerned with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.” hmmmm. Does that sound right to you? Because it feels to me like it’s lacking a whole other facet to being selfish or acting selfishly; the facet of not making decisions that are important to us and healthy, and thereby creating harm to one’s self. Hear me out:
This friend I was talking to was feeling selfish for changing something around, so she could get home and get to bed at a time that felt healthier and more in alignment for her. Does that fit the definition above? Unfortunately it kinda does! She was making a decision based primarily on her own “pleasure”… but are pleasure and health different…? Also yes (language is so important!).
So here is where I think the definition - and also what we’ve been taught, and think - about being selfish, are wrong. Making a decision that is healthy for us is actually of the utmost importance! Think about that old flying analogy… when the flight attendants come out and do their whole “if the plane’s going down here’s what to do” spiel, they always make sure to tell us that if the oxygen masks deploy, “please put on your own oxygen mask first before you try and helped your loved ones or the people around you”. Ummmm, hello!!! Is this not a great example of selfishness being healthy and purposeful?! For the greater good even??!! Does this not show that there are times where we actually should be selfish? A lot of us have been taught that if we think of ourselves first, it makes us selfish and that is most certainly not a virtue. And at the risk of sounding bold, I think we need to update our understanding of what it means to be selfish.
If we are making a decision that is healthy for us, but may potentially negatively impact another (like leaving somewhere a bit early), I think it may actually be called congruent, which Oxford describes as “in agreement or harmony” as in, acting in a way that is in agreement or harmony with our own soul.
Stop and take that in for a second…. that sometimes, to be in agreement or harmony with our own soul, we will have to make decisions that may disappoint someone else. Hows that for adulting at its finest? It is, in fact, the polar opposite of people pleasing! (and therefore, being congruent is a wonderful remedy to people pleasing!)
So let me ask you this: where in your own life are you avoiding making a change because it feels selfish, or you were taught it was selfish…? And in what way might you be able to make that change in a way that honours both you and the other, while staying congruent and thereby in harmony with your own soul…? And if you did so, what kind of benefit might you reap from it..? What is your soul longing for you to do, that you are holding off on, because it feels selfish?