On manifesting (but dating, and Santa make an appearance too!)

When my daughter was 11, her and I were having a talk about who her crushes were one evening; discussions like this were so precious to me. To amplify the “preciousness” of the whole thing, she was using words like “maturity” “compatibility” and “attraction” to describe to me what she was thinking about when it came to these crushes. Not only did she use these words, she used all these words appropriately, illustrating the difference between a classmate who was actually compatible with her, and someone who was just “cute”… at 11 she knew the difference between compatibility and chemistry (which I didn’t learn until I was about 42!! It makes a world of difference to understand these two, and how choosing one or the other will very likely bring you two completely different experiences in relationship). To say I was proud would be an understatement. 

Do you know how she knew this? 

Because for most of the life that her and I have shared together, I’ve been single and dating, sharing (age appropriate) lessons with her from my journey. 

Some parents choose to hide the fact that they date from their kids; a valid and sometimes very healthy option given one’s circumstances. I did debate this, but quickly realized there was no way to hide it in my case because a) I am a full time sole support single parent, so I don’t have every second weekend off to myself where I can do things without her questioning where I’m going, and b) we’re super close. Like, tight. Because it’s mostly only ever been her and I, we can read each other very well - and we both know when the other is hiding something! 

Also, I can’t/don’t/won’t lie to her, and to me, evading or avoiding the truth is energetically the same as lying (sadly, because I am fully aware that some things are easier not to share. However many many years ago, I made a commitment to myself to engage only with the truth, which isn’t always easy, but is always healthy.) I’ve always told her the age appropriate truth about everything - even hard things. Even, about Santa (this was a very intentional and conscious choice on my part, and here was my process: I wanted her to know that she could always trust everything I said; that I would never skirt the truth, “pretty up" the truth, or bend the truth, and because that was what I was modelling, I would expect the same from her. So when she asked about Santa, I told her the truth in my heart, which sounded like something along the lines of “babe, there IS magic in this world!! There is 100% magic! Buuuutttttt, it’s not a big man in a red suit sliding down peoples chimneys and delivering presents without equality or equity. BUT, don’t tell anyone that, because that’s only what I believe, and other parents and kids believe different things, and thats totally ok!” To which she answered “ok” brought up a great point about “Santa burning his bum on chimneys, so it doesn’t even make sense anyways” and we moved along! And let me pause here to tell you that the way this child now shares the truth with me, is as I had hoped: she just says it. Even when it’s hard, or embarrassing, or ugly even, she tells me, and I am grateful.)

I digress, back to learning about dating…

So as I was learning lessons like how to be discerning, to separate attraction from compatibility, to say a confident “no” to someone who was not a good match, to be honest and speak my mind, to show up authentically and not hide parts of myself for fear of being rejected, and to figure out exactly what kind of relationship I wanted, so was she (because remember, kids learn by what we DO not what we SAY..a hard truth about parenting, that we must all swallow!)

And it was then that I realized, “maybe this is the way it was always supposed to be”. Strange thought…Maybe, just maybe THIS is why I’ve been single for years … to teach her how to do it, so we break a pattern here. (more about family patterns later)

Over the years I was single, I did a lot of healing, and a lot of changing my life, and it truly was nothing short of incredible… but that one piece of the puzzle had been “missing”. 

And here’s where we get to the part about manifesting: 

I’d tried all the things. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner, I made a vision board, I dreamed up and felt all the experiences I wanted to have with said partner, what kind of life I wanted to share with them, and all the “manifesting” things we’re told to do, and TWICE I’ve “found someone” after I did that! Twice, right after I did those things someone magically appeared in my life, who seemed like the perfect fit (one of them I had written down so accurately, it’s eery… and I really thought it must have been meant to be!), and you know where I’m going with this right? 

They weren’t. 

In fact, one was so messy I could write a whole book just about that - but not right now. I learned (fairly quickly thank goodness), that just because some thing, or some one shows up on your path at just the right time, looking and acting just the right way, offering just the right thing, does NOT make them just the right person who magically appeared on your doorstep (or inbox)… you must still employ the check in (see “checking in” chapter ____)

 … and it was after that second one that I realized I’m not interested in manifesting anymore. Not for anything. I know that’s a bold statement, but it’s simply not for me. I don’t actually want to assert my own will that strongly about something the universe knows better about than I do. Hear me out…

I have a career I LOVE. It’s perfect for me. No joke. And had I set out to “manifest” this, there’s no way I could have - I wouldn’t have even known I could do/have/experience what I am in this career - I would have shot lower for sure - thinking I knew what I wanted, employing reason, and succumbing to both the encultured beliefs that lack and inherent unfairness in life abound, and also the limited human perspective of what is possible, when actually what I needed was to put on my big girl panties, and say “yes” when the Universe came lovingly asking me if I would like to dance…

Not realizing what is actually available for us to experience in this life, from the limited human perspective we “manifest” from, is quite the challenge! (and requires lots of inner work to annihilate the voices and experiences inside of us that tell us we can’t do it, it’s impossible, too much, crazy, we don’t deserve it etc. And I say annihilate them, because keeping them quiet, isn’t enough…)

Instead of taking the hard road (I had a friend who used to call this “trying to push water up hill with a rake”, I diligently and courageously worked in the right direction. I checked in at every turn. I listened to the prompts I received from the Universe, I followed the process, and thereby showed up and co-created with the Universe … we danced this into existence together and it’s nothing short of magic. 

And so it can be for all of our lives, if only we get out of our own way. (Seems us humans have an inclination to control everything, as co-creating with the Universe/Source requires us to also allow for diving timing, as my dating journey exemplified).

Now I’m choosing to lean towards allowing and co-creating, rather than manifesting. I know it’s a bold statement, but I’ve hopped off that train and onto another, it’s taking me to incredible places…and I’m not looking back!

It would serve us well to remember that sometimes it’s not up to just us to decide the timing of something. Sometimes, there’s a grander plan at work that we know nothing about … a wonderful mystery that requires us to trust, to continue, and to show up and say yes when it asks us to dance … 

Questions for Reflection: 

How do you feel about the reflection you just read? Does it make you feel hopeful? Angry? Sad? Frustrated? Scared? Why…? And remember, it’s possible to hold two conflicting feels at once.

What sensations do you notice arise in your body when you read this, or when you think about manifesting and co-creating? Is there tension? Stillness? Lightness? Heaviness? Where do these sensations arise in your body, and what happens to them when you lovingly sit and breathe into them? 

What area of your life would you like to co-create something in? 

What would you like to co-create if you allowed yourself to dream into it? 

What might you want to feel like in this area of your life, ideally? 

What might be a “first step” in the direction you want to head? This could be a tiny step (interestingly, sometimes these end up being the biggest!), or a leap…

What is holding you back from taking this step? 

Is there a way to remove or move around that road block? (hint, there always is, we just have to find it!)

Co-creating is an interesting mix between accepting that sometimes we have no control over timing, and sometimes we have all the control. Read the following quote from author Elizabeth Gilbert. 

“Destiny, I feel is also a relationship-a play between grace and willful self-effort. Half of it you have no control over, half of it is absolutely in your hands and your actions will show measurable consequences. Man is neither entirely a puppet of the gods, nor is he entirely the captain of his own destiny; he’s a little of both. We gallop through our lives like circus performers balancing on two speeding side-by-side horses-one foot is on the horse called “fate” the other on the horse called “free will”. And the question you have to ask everyday is, Which horse is which? Which horse do I need to stop worrying about because it’s not under my control, and which do I need to steer with concentrated effort?”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

How do the horses of fate and free will show up in your life? 

Do you agree that there are two distinct horses, one in our control, and one wholly out of our control? 

How does this show up in your own life? 

Is it serving you? If not, what are some things you could do about it?

***please note, this post is also a part of my upcoming book "Morning Reflections", available Spring 2025